Nature my Goddess

Welcome to my world. I've always felt at home in nature. From childhood she was my refuge, my safe haven. I have always known that nature loves me. Unconditionally. It was and is my house of God. Your presence has purified, comforted, protected me. And it helped me to go inside myself and discover myself.

My journey into my inner world began in 1999 with a trip to New Zealand. For me back then the epitome of untouched nature. I used a mountain bike as a means of transportation and rode 4  For months all over New Zealand. I slept in tents on designated campsites and in the front gardens of backpacker hostels. And sometimes I camped wild.

I drove a good 4,000 km across the whole country. What struck me the most was how easy life had become. There was nothing to be done. The factors that determined my daily rhythm were sleep, food, and the weather.

The trip had changed me. But not enough; I ended up in the same career again - even if I didn't really love the job. But I was good at it, I was successful. So I went back to my "old" life, I followed the dictates of society, I did what my parents thought was right, and I even had another career boost.

In early 2001 I moved to Sydney and a year later to Perth, Australia. To be more precise, to Fremantle, the port city of Perth. Fremantle became my home for the next 16 years. In the second year I bought a house! Yes, I even bought a house. I was advised on all sides because the market was good. Create, create, build house ...  that was my parents' mantra too. This is what my parents and society thought was reasonable and right.

As soon as I moved in, I felt a dissonance inside of me. I didn't want to admit it for a long time. But in the end it took less than two years and I sold the house again. I couldn't stand being 'locked up' in my job so that I could pay the mortgage. I became more and more aware that I was not happy in my life. I've had it all, a career, professional success, reputation, a slim body, great friends. I had a company car, a company phone, a company laptop, and an assistant who was only there for me. I had a great house, a great car, a great man, a wonderful garden, the beach in front of the door. But I wasn't happy. Something was missing. I didn't know what. But it was clear to me: I just couldn't compromise anymore and do something that wasn't right for me.

In short, I quit my job, sold my house, and decided it was time to change something fundamental in my life. And then my journey inside got serious.  

At first I was completely lost. I only knew one thing: I wanted to go out into nature. Over many years I was drawn into the wilderness again and again for months. I hiked the most breathtaking treks on this beautiful planet. I spent dozens of months in the Australian outback with my beloved Toyota Troopcarrier (Troopy). Alone. With me and existence. The big picture.

I've discovered more and more remote places in Australia, I've penetrated further and further into untouched areas. For many years I have explored the Australian Northwest, often for months. There came a point where I didn't even want to go to the national parks (too many people there). I'd rather go wild camping. And I did that wherever possible. It never let go of me. I love the wilderness. I love being alone, adventure, freedom, the simplicity of life in nature and the presence of God, clearly perceptible in the deserted landscape of the Australian outback.

Eventually my search brought me to India. I ended up in an ashram in Maharashtra (now called the meditation resort) without much detours. For 8 years I spent 6-8 months a year there. This slowly transformed my outer search into an inner 'sightseeing', an exploration, an inner finding.

​

Fast forward to 2018: I'm back in the country I was born in Germany, where life took me back to after a few metaphorical footsteps and a lot back and forth. Here I am, back in the Rhineland. And as soon as I arrive, my old conditioning has me firmly under control again. It seems like my life in English saved me from even realizing that old conditioning from my childhood. In the end, that was exactly why I left my home country in 1999. I finally wanted to be free of it.

​

Back in 1999, I was really not feeling well. Maybe you know that. A feeling of not making any progress, of not being really satisfied somehow, of constantly wondering whether you have made the right choice (whether you have chosen a career, a partner or whatever). Or feeling like you don't know what you want, confused, stuck, struggling to make decisions. Or the feeling of never being able to deal with what is piling up in front of you because it just keeps getting more and more? And then at the end of the day to have this feeling of dissatisfaction, frustration, exhaustion and the impression of having achieved next to nothing ...

Now I finally realize that these are all symptoms that occur when I am under the (unconscious) influence of my Inner Critic. The inner critic, or, to paraphrase Freud, the superego, is the internalized voice of parents, teachers, close relatives and ultimately of the society in which we grew up. The job of the Superego is to protect us and keep us 'on our feet' to ensure that we behave according to the rules of society. Nice and good. But the problem is that I, and maybe you too, have been led in the wrong direction many times and as a child, through pressure, threats and punishments, I was unable to develop the capacity to follow my own inner guidance. And I am probably not an isolated case.

But time-outs in nature help me over and over again to free myself from my super ego and to 'find' my 'true' inner guidance again. In the past, this was also allowed to be 3 months at a time. That was how long it took me to free myself from this inner prison. Unfortunately, that is no longer possible, because my inheritance has almost been used up. So poke it in, work. Create, create, build house. And that's exactly where my inner critic - Superego, in spite of all the inner work - still got me on sleeping little. This is my weak point, and my dear super ego uses it shamelessly. 

And that's exactly why my own time out in nature is important to me. And that's why Nature my Goddess exists in the first place. In nature I feel free and carefree. This is what I have always longed for. But freedom does not (only) exist outside. I had to - and must again and again - become aware of how much I allow myself to be influenced by my inner critic and my conditioning and to be held 'captive'. It's invisible as long as I don't look very carefully. And many of us don't do that, but are content to simply 'function' in our normal role in society, in the family, in our job. But I wanted, and I still want, more! Much more!  

But not just freedom! Being in nature helps me release my conditioning and connect with the endless clear sky within me. Then maybe I feel free. But it has also become important to me to feel and live this freedom in my everyday life. Because if I can also feel free in my normal life, grounded and present, so completely there in the here and now, then I can also flow and feel safe and secure. Then I am open. Authentic. Connected to me. Then I feel a deep connection, closeness and real contact with myself - AND with others. That's what is important to me. Love and freedom together. And I would like to pass that on!

​

​